Dating

Ok. So I have not been completely single in 9 years! Now I am and it's been about 5 months. Today, I finally understood the term "dating" and all the little quirks and rules that go along with it. SHIT MAN! It's INTENSE! Before I continue though, let me give you a quick synopsis of Dre.

Ever since I was little, I always wanted the white picket fence with the children and the dog and the great husband who loved me all the way to the moon and back...blah blah. Basically, the ideal life that we all wanted at some point (some of us at least). I've always been in love with love which explains why I have always been in relationships and when I wasn't, I felt that I needed to be. It's what I do best! Everyone knows me as the nurturer, the giver, the mommy if you will. So with that in mind, what better place for me to be at than in a relationship where all those elements are crucial, right? WRONG. I know this now.

So now that you know a little about where I'm coming from, imagine suddenly being abandoned into the war zone of the 'single' world with no map on how to get the hell out and no armour and no ammunition! Geeze! I guess there really is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for this world, but I wish somwone would've told me this. It's almost as if you have to become an animal in the jungle surviving off instinct alone. Making sure that you maintain a balance between being the hunter and being the hunted. The moment you turn your back, there's a predator ready to pounce!!!!!

I've been dating recently and have come across some VERY interesting people. I don't make a conscious effort to date, it's more like I go out to a bar or some spot where I am asked for my number and in exchange I get a date. It's weird, but I guess this is how the 'dating' world is. Why I give out my number is beyond me. An out of body experience is the phrase best used to describe what I feel when I do give my number out. After the past 7 dates that I have been on, I've realized that I don't like dating. My reasons are as follows:

Date No. 1

This was a blind date set up by my co-worker. I've never been on one so I thought, why not. He took me to eat Sushi and did not talk to me the entire time. I thought, hmmm...maybe he's nervous. So I try to engage him in a conversation about politics (an area I know nothing about, and an area that he was an expert in). I have a tendency to talk out of my ass and it always ends up biting me in my ass. Why I chose to speak about something I knew nothing about is again, beyond me! All I said was that I couldn't believe we were at war. Then he goes on and on and on about political reasons as to why there is a war and the economy and Bush, etc. I didn't mind listening to him because this is an area that I am making a conscious effort in understanding more. But then he has to ruin it by asking me "So what is your viewpoint on the war?" Needless to say, he probally thinks I'm an idiot. Whatever!

Date No. 2

I met this guy at a bar. I was dancing my booty off, as usual, and he comes up to me and says "Damn. You have a big ass bag!". I did have a big bag, but only because I was carrying my friends jacket in there along with a bottle of water and all kinds of her other shit! I consider myself to be a blunt person, so there was something in "Damn. You have a big ass bag!" that was kind of intriguing. He didn't ask me to dance or if I wanted a drink or anything. He just sat in the corner and watched me dance the rest of the night. A part of me hoped he wasn't a stalker, but I was too drunk to care. After it was over, my friend and I leave the bar and as we are leaving, we run into him outside smoking a cigarette. So I smoke one with him and he then starts making fun of my hair! He says "Your hair is wild!". Which it was because I was dancing and all sweaty! Uh! Then he says "How did you get your friend in here. Did you put her in your bag?". I was like WTF, but I couldn't help but laugh cause that shit was funny. Anyway, we exchange numbers and a week later he calls me and asks to take me out for dinner. I say yes and then we go out to sushi. At dinner he starts talking about his last girlfriend and how she cheated on him 3 times and now he doesn't trust anyone! In my head all I saw were RED FLAGS! But I continued to eat my delicious dinner washed down by a lot of sake and beer. When I'm nervous or uncomfortable, I tend to keep my mouth occupied with food or alcohol. Well, by this point I was uncomfortable, so I am eating A LOT! He then goes on to say "Damn girl. You can EAT!" Now I'm self conscious and all I want to do is go home. Instead he asks to go to get coffee. So we go to Starbucks. While we're drinking coffee he starts to talk about his $6,000 dollar rolex and his 2 houses and his 2 cars....blah blah. THIS IS A HUGE TURN OFF FOR ME. ALWAYS HAS BEEN. Bragging is the most unattractive thing anyone could do in my presence. Seriously. Make note of that. Anyway, as I'm listening to him talk about himself, the power goes out on the entire block, Starbuck's included. I was like YES! The universe is on my side. So he took me home and that is where I stayed. I haven't talked to him in a week. The funny thing is I got a text from him today saying "I haven't heard from you. I'm assuming our date didn't go well". I have yet to respond.

Date No. 3

I met this guy at an Art Show. He asked me and my friend to accompany him and his friend to an after party. So we meet up with them. We start dancing, drinking, the usual. Then he tries to kiss me all sloppy style with his drunken self. He didn't even dance well and he didn't speak proper english. Every phrase he said was always followed by "mang". For example, he would say "You know what I'm sayin' man-g" or "You want a drink man-g", etc. It was so ghetto. So me and my friend left when they weren't looking.

Date No. 4

I met this guy at a show. I was on a spiritual tip at the time and apparently he was as well. We talked about life, spirituality, music, all that good stuff. At the end of the night we exchange numbers. We had a few good conversations on the phone and I could tell that he wanted more from me, but I wasn't into him like that. I thought that maybe we could just be friends, so I went out with him to another show. It was fun, but still no connection. He felt differently though. He wanted to get to know me more and he said he could see himself with me, etc. So I ignored him and didn't return his phone calls or texts or emails...NOTHING. The thing with me is that I don't waste my time with people. I know what I want and I don't usually settle for anything less. He came on too strong and almost borderlined 'NEEDY'. I hate that word. Seriously I would receive about 3 voicemails a day followed by multiple texts reminding me to check my voicemails which were all about 10 minutes long! Recently I received an email from him saying "You are a lost cause. Respect my decision as I respect yours. How can you tell someone the sky is blue when they think it's red". I'm still confused about this one.

Date No. 5

I met him at a reaggae club which happens to be my favorite club. I was there with my friend and he was there with his. I was dancing and he was watching. He told me I danced good and I said thanks and then I ignored him. Then he asked if he could dance with me. I said yes. We danced all night long while at the same time switching off from my friend to his friend. We all shared eachother that night. What I remember the most about him was a feeling. You know, that feeling you get when you have never seen someone in your entire life but you know you've known them before? Yah. That feeling. Him and his friend ended the night early but before he left, he gave me his business card. I held onto it for a month before I actually contacted him. The funny thing is that I never threw it away (which is weird cause I always throw cards, flyers, etc. away) and it miraculously never got lost in my purse full of shit that I am constanlty emptying and throwing shit out of. So I contact him in an email a month later saying "You probally don't remeber me, but I met you at the Dub Club and I just wanted to say hi". Cheesy, I know. He responds to me the next day saying "Of course I remember you. You were wearing a white tank top with your sweater tied around your waist". First of all, I can't believe I had my sweater tied around my waist. Second of all, I can't believe he remembered! How embarassing. So, we exchange numbers in an email and he calls later that night. We talk on the phone to 1:30 in the morning. The next night he takes me to a place called the Bar-A-Cade. It's a hole in the wall bar, very low key and hella chill. Totally my scene and I totally dug it. What really got me though was when he took me on the train from Long Beach to Crenshaw where we then got off and walked the entire Imperial Hwy. to the next train stop. It was crazy beautiful. We dated for about 2 months and let me tell you, it was an intense 2 months! Right now we are on our own individual paths, rediscovering and discovering a new journey into the unkown. Maybe we'll meet up again, maybe we won't. The point was that we were meant to meet. I thank him everyday for freeing me of my own constraints and showing me a path I've never seen before. I will always be greatful.

I won't continue on with the rest. I'm too tired. Anyway, what I have realized about dating is this: It's a pool full of people all searching for something or someone to fulfill an empty space within. It's very rare that we find someone that we connect with, someone that gets us and even more, someone that loves us. What's even more rare is when we become all those things for ourself. I've realized that I was searching for something or someone too. I had an empty space and I was so quick to try and replace my void with another person, another realtionship. What I have realized is that I am my own best friend, I am my greatest love, I am my perfect soulmate. What I was searching for all along was 'me'. Note to self: I will NEVER let you go again.