My Farewell

The time has come to say goodbye.
To every person that has shared this journey in my life thus far, thank you.
Though it has been a long and treacherous road, I will always be greatful for your contribution to my beautiful mess of a story.
The endless memories, our time spent, painful lessons followed by infinite wisdom, the smiles, the tears, all of it! Gracias=)
But the time time has come to close this chapter in my life and move the fuk on! So without the long awaited further adieu, PAYCE!!!!

I WILL CURRENTLY BE RESIDING AT:
http://eliminationoftheunnecessary.blogspot.com/

.love.is.dre.

For What I Can't Say

An Inevitable Process

I was an adolescent in this encounter.
I had yet to fill my own shoes
I was unaware of the strength in my stature
I was unable to relate to the sound of my own heart.
Then he arrived.
He was sent.
I was intrigued by his intelligence
Ignited by his presence
Invited by his senses.
He was love at instant sight.
He was my first.
My stomach drifted when he passed me
My flesh moved when he felt me
And when he was away from me,
my mind, body and soul fled from me.
I was addicted to his comfort
Obsessed with his association
Captivated by his vibe.
He defined me
He offered me meaning
He gave me a purpose.
I was no longer invalid in my growing pain
He became my antidote.
We were unbreakable, undeniable, inseparable.
He was me at my best and I was him at his.
Flaws were overlooked
Insecurities were combined
Fears were put aside.
We lost our yet to discover identities in each other.
But as time progressed and the pages of the calendar flipped,
conversations that used to be told in the silence of our hearts became deafening
Time spent together became artificial
Words exchanged between the crevices of our lips became lethal.
We became an affliction.
My heart bled through the vision of a failed truth.
Forwards and backwards we threw our hearts
hoping that either one of us would eventually capture the other.
Each attempt proved futile.
We drifted away but we couldn't let go.
I dreamt that he could love me selflessly, unconditionally, truthfully.
He dreamt that I could be content in complacency.
I prayed that he could become a reality,
that we could grow into a freedom,
and ultimately co-exist on a mutual compatibility.
He prayed that I could cease enhancement.
He blamed me for his suffering,
I blamed him for not loving me in perfection.
I cried, I hurt, I loved, I died.
I no longer viewed him as my long lost inevitably going to cross paths again type of love.
He became a part of me that no longer existed.
He embodied my past life.
I now embody my own life.
I loved him safely
But I want to be able to love freely.
What was once a fairytale told love,
turned toxic.
So I discovered the beauty in letting him go.

Then he came along.
I rediscovered him.
He was a part of my heart from back then.
It was an artful type of love.
The type of love that you glare at
but can never comprehend its original intention.
Our moments were scarred from the beginning
but we continued on with what we couldn't deny.
We were hypnotized by our time spent
and victimized by our circumstance.
We were loving in sin
but engaged in our shared vision of a hearts truth.
The rotation of the planet came to a halt when our eyes opened
The stars were still visible when the sun awoke from its slumber.
He offered me a free love, a real love, a totality in my my own self love.
But as time progressed,
and the pages of the calendar flipped,
I discovered what I once thought to be free
was instead an illusion wrapped around a glass box.
I was imprisoned by my guilt.
He was isolated from his heart.
My belly grew into an unborn life that deserved to be free.
I put myself aside and dedicated what I still had left as a strength for what was to come.
That unborn life was lost somewhere in time and space
Taken from me without my consent.
A part of my soul died that day
And love became nothing more than a four letter word.
What was once a fairytale told love,
turned toxic.
So I discovered the beauty in letting them go.

Then I met him.
He gave me a pulse
Sheltered me from my pain
Offered me the heavens in the palm of his hands.
So I accepted.
I needed to be saved.
He loved me in a form that I couldn't relate to.
He was what I prayed for, what I dreamt of, what I yearned for.
My longing had finally become a reality presented before me.
Moments shared side by side were indescribable.
The oceans seemed like rivers, mountains insinuated mole hills, the sky appeared to be closer
It was an impossibility is insignificant type of love.
He infected me with his existence,
Wooed me with his selflessness,
Encaptured me with unabbreviated adoration.
He became my sanity, my reason, my life.
But as time progressed and the pages of the calendar flipped,
a love that was once expansive grew into a barred cell.
What was once a comforting touch began to leave traces of bruises and scars.
What was once a sweet whisper became blaring cuts of hate.
What was once my happiness became my despair.
He violated my mind, stole my heart, fractured my being.
His selflessness took the shape of self hurt
And I was always his reason.
I strived to remedy his pain
For I thought I was the cause for his self destruction.
I was defeated
So I took shelter in suffering.
I anxiously awaited my savior
Someone to save me from myself.
That day never came.
So I stood up on my own
Never realizing I had the ability to walk.
I opened my eyes
Never knowing I had a vision.
I freed my mind
Never understanding the power of a thought.
I left him
By himself.
I found my inner peace that day.
It was a strength I never encountered.
A power I was unaware that I posessed.
A love I considered irrevocable.
It was a peace,
It was my home.
What was once a fairytale told love,
turned toxic.
So I discovered the beauty in letting him go.

Then, I was blessed with him.
He came to me contoured as an unknown pursuant.
He came to me when I finally understood the elegance in being broken.
We discovered each other in a melody that moved our bodies closer like the sea's current.
I knew him from another world, another time, another place.
Next to each other we could sense a sensation
It was our souls reaching out of its confinement of our bodies
Grasping for a familiarity.
As if they've been separated by the depths of time for an eternity
And finally they've been reunited.
We were comfortable in silence, perfect in imperfection, beautiful in disguise.
Time spent together reflected moments of spontaneity
Capturing still moments along a journey to an unknown destination.
It was soulful, creative, inspiring, boundless.
We made sense of an interwoven world sprouted from complication.
Walls we built up out of nervousness were broken.
We discreetly entered into each others hearts,
Stained by the colors of past loves.
He felt me, he cried with me, he knew me.
I knew him.
It was a beautiful type of love.
It was a we don't need one another to know one another type of love.
It was a limitless love, an honest love, an unspoken love.
I felt that it was a wholesome kind of love.
Our sound was poetic
His touch made me weak
His voice consumed my presence
His eyes entranced my being.
He was truth.
I was reason.
But as time progressed and the pages of the calendar flipped,
What happened next would make some start to feel more weak or insecure
But for whatever reason our relationship remains mature.
His heart is tied in a self discovery
And its fullness that could be extended to me is unattainable.
He loved me,
So he set me free.
He yearns to be a better being, a more self loving individual, a stronger soul.
He wants to find comfort in vulnerability, overcome a census of insecurities, encounter a truth in his fears.
I loved him,
So I set him free.
I will redefine this love knowing that I cannot possess it, nor can I control it.
I will learn that I can only be what I want it to be.
I will set it free and let time tell the tale of whether or not it's meant to be.
I will have no fear, no doubts, no resistance.
I will learn to exist in acceptance.
And again, I will discover the beauty in letting him go.

Thought For The Day

“It’s not enough to just sit there and have compassionate thoughts. Your compassionate thoughts need to be reflected in what you do. How can you aspire to compassion and yet work for an arms manufacturer? You need to help other people. […] Once you start to see through the myth of status, possessions, and unlimited consumption as a path to happiness, you’ll find that you have all kinds of freedom and time. It’s like a deal you can make with the universe: I’ll give up greed for freedom. Then you can start putting your time to good use.”

All of this you have probally heard before, but this time allow yourself to digest this, breathe this, be this, until it falls into the shape of an epiphany.

Seeking Synthesis

A complex whole formed by combining: Synthesis.

This has been the defining factor thus far in my daily existence. A synthesis. An avidity to relate to all subjects, circumstances, objects, etc. It has left an impressionable marking along my path. These markings serve as relics to my journey. They are reminiscant of where I have been and they advise me to never forget where I am from. With this bestowed upon me, I am given the oppourtuity to find balance. A balance between this world, your world and my world. So I searched. I sought after a beauty they told me didn't exist. I unveiled a melody instead. It sang to me the way Billie Holiday did the mic. I prowled after a truth they told me was deceit. I uncovered an absolute reality burrowed in the depths of despair. I longed for someone to interpret life's lessons. An acceptance in defeat was erected before me. I"ve recognized that things are never what they seem. So I stopped listening for a sound and instead gave ears to the symphony.

The complexities of human life are self perpetuated. Its truth is tainted by those who cannot comprehend and will not surrender. They resist. People believe in their self written novels. They believe that their life is an obligation. What most fail to realize is that life was written before existence was even a word, before a soul could even inhabit a body. A quest for the answer has plagued them and they are in turn imprisoned by the unknown. Fears, self doubt, anxiety, insecurity are all bi products of this resistance. They are visionless to the fact that their own life is not about them. It is about others. It is about what they do in their blessing of this lifetime that will affect all of humanity. They get caught up in what's been fed to them, forgetting the truth that resides in their own hearts. They believe that beauty exists on television, that knowledge is defined in reports, that happiness can only be found through monetary gains and that power is the ultimate success in life. Ironically, it is when all these momentary moments of "success" are accomplised, that they feel empty. Most will continue to attain more in an attempt to fill this void, while others remain complacent. There will be very few that will tap into their ability to see. To see beyond the normalcies of life, beyond a beautiful face and a distracting body. To see beyond the material world and even beyond themselves.

I was sitting in a park one day and I was staring at a homeless man with his companion (or so I assume she was his companion). They were sitting on a cold cement wall reading a newspaper. I remember thinking "Do they know how to read?". I caught myself being victimized by a stereotype that has been fed to me by some tv show, or something I read. Regardless of where this thought was derived, it was not my own thought. It was a judgement, a bi product of my own insecurity within myself. It was not my hearts truth. People say that we are "human", and it is "human" to have these thoughts. Why don't people say "That's not nice" or "You shouldn't think that". I believe that by making excuses for our actions or our thoughts, we become less human. So I forced myslef to see beyond my own thoughts, my own vision. I let my eyes go out of focus while I was watching them. They became 2 blurred visions blended into a landscape that I could not see anymore. I suddenly had no thoughts, no judgements and no visual comprehension. They became a reality to me and I was simply existing in their moment, a moment I was not even invited to. I remember the whole time I watched them, they did not once ever glance in my direction. I thought to myself, why am I so interested in their interaction? I've concluded that they were being a moment, a moment I wanted to be. A moment in space and time where nothing mattered, not even the girl sitting on the bench staring at them. They existed together, on a cold cement wall reading a newspaper that they might not have even been reading. The fact was that they were free....Free of this world, if only for a moment.

The complexities of my life, your life and their life have fully contributed to my ability to see past what I once considered impossible. I want to be able to see you as a blur, I want you to be able to see me as a blur. All in hopes that we may never be restricted by the disorderly conduct of this world. I want to be the complex whole formed by combining.

My Spoken Peace

All that I have been, all that I have seen and all that I will become no longer exists in my mind as a series of thought.
I have learned to outrun the shadows of my past and silhouette the path to my future.
I've suffered in vain for unruly lengths of time, yet I have never failed to smile.
I knew the dark just as well as I knew the light.
The dark was my shadow and the light was my peace.
I was comfortable in both.
My lifetime is more than a statistic.
It extends far beyond my reach.
It's written in the grains of my truth.
My lifetime.
It's a humbling pain, an unfiltered wisdom, an invisible beauty.
It's mine.

I had almost succomb to an unwritten fate before I was saved
By the sweet whispers of an unforgiving world.
They told me it was okay, it was alright, to free my mind.
I recognized that there is no way out from the hallways of life.
So I searched for the protection of a sun.
It was a heat that warmed the soul and stained the face.
It was my testimonial.

You see, cuts will heal with time but scars are permanent markers of your progression.
My scars serve as constant reminders of the many paths I've roamed.
From the suburban streets of a numb world to the concrete avenues of an unkown place and time.
I roamed them fearlessly, anxiously awaiting its inevitable end.
When I arrived, I discovered dark alleys lined with cement, brick walls too high to climb, lifeless trees with bare limbs.
I met a disconnection among the people, my people.
These are the kind of people who will trace the outline of your soul when you desert them.
They hold on, they can't let go...of your infinite kindness, your well of forgiveness, your constant abundance of an unaltered, unfiltered, unconditional LOVE.
These are the kind of people who take all that you give and run with all that your worth.
This time, I won't let them.

I arise.
My eyes awaken to the beat of a swollen heart.
My mind now understands what it didn't know.
My heart is set free.
No longer imprisoned by your acts of betrayal.
No longer enslaved by your justifications of who I was supposed to be.
No longer incarcerated by your complete distortion of facts.
No longer confined to your reasons why.
For the first time, I see myself.

I now know each step taken, is a step I can't walk back on.
I now know that my path is my choice.
My destiny is not.
I now know that there is a calming peace in even the darkest storms
For I have learned to sail my own ship.
I've recognized that what I think I know is much smaller than what I don't know.
I now know that I am not alone
And that we are the center of all creation
And somehow, in this vast universe paved with camouflaged paths to the unkown
I am connected to you.

This is my spoken peace.

Dating

Ok. So I have not been completely single in 9 years! Now I am and it's been about 5 months. Today, I finally understood the term "dating" and all the little quirks and rules that go along with it. SHIT MAN! It's INTENSE! Before I continue though, let me give you a quick synopsis of Dre.

Ever since I was little, I always wanted the white picket fence with the children and the dog and the great husband who loved me all the way to the moon and back...blah blah. Basically, the ideal life that we all wanted at some point (some of us at least). I've always been in love with love which explains why I have always been in relationships and when I wasn't, I felt that I needed to be. It's what I do best! Everyone knows me as the nurturer, the giver, the mommy if you will. So with that in mind, what better place for me to be at than in a relationship where all those elements are crucial, right? WRONG. I know this now.

So now that you know a little about where I'm coming from, imagine suddenly being abandoned into the war zone of the 'single' world with no map on how to get the hell out and no armour and no ammunition! Geeze! I guess there really is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for this world, but I wish somwone would've told me this. It's almost as if you have to become an animal in the jungle surviving off instinct alone. Making sure that you maintain a balance between being the hunter and being the hunted. The moment you turn your back, there's a predator ready to pounce!!!!!

I've been dating recently and have come across some VERY interesting people. I don't make a conscious effort to date, it's more like I go out to a bar or some spot where I am asked for my number and in exchange I get a date. It's weird, but I guess this is how the 'dating' world is. Why I give out my number is beyond me. An out of body experience is the phrase best used to describe what I feel when I do give my number out. After the past 7 dates that I have been on, I've realized that I don't like dating. My reasons are as follows:

Date No. 1

This was a blind date set up by my co-worker. I've never been on one so I thought, why not. He took me to eat Sushi and did not talk to me the entire time. I thought, hmmm...maybe he's nervous. So I try to engage him in a conversation about politics (an area I know nothing about, and an area that he was an expert in). I have a tendency to talk out of my ass and it always ends up biting me in my ass. Why I chose to speak about something I knew nothing about is again, beyond me! All I said was that I couldn't believe we were at war. Then he goes on and on and on about political reasons as to why there is a war and the economy and Bush, etc. I didn't mind listening to him because this is an area that I am making a conscious effort in understanding more. But then he has to ruin it by asking me "So what is your viewpoint on the war?" Needless to say, he probally thinks I'm an idiot. Whatever!

Date No. 2

I met this guy at a bar. I was dancing my booty off, as usual, and he comes up to me and says "Damn. You have a big ass bag!". I did have a big bag, but only because I was carrying my friends jacket in there along with a bottle of water and all kinds of her other shit! I consider myself to be a blunt person, so there was something in "Damn. You have a big ass bag!" that was kind of intriguing. He didn't ask me to dance or if I wanted a drink or anything. He just sat in the corner and watched me dance the rest of the night. A part of me hoped he wasn't a stalker, but I was too drunk to care. After it was over, my friend and I leave the bar and as we are leaving, we run into him outside smoking a cigarette. So I smoke one with him and he then starts making fun of my hair! He says "Your hair is wild!". Which it was because I was dancing and all sweaty! Uh! Then he says "How did you get your friend in here. Did you put her in your bag?". I was like WTF, but I couldn't help but laugh cause that shit was funny. Anyway, we exchange numbers and a week later he calls me and asks to take me out for dinner. I say yes and then we go out to sushi. At dinner he starts talking about his last girlfriend and how she cheated on him 3 times and now he doesn't trust anyone! In my head all I saw were RED FLAGS! But I continued to eat my delicious dinner washed down by a lot of sake and beer. When I'm nervous or uncomfortable, I tend to keep my mouth occupied with food or alcohol. Well, by this point I was uncomfortable, so I am eating A LOT! He then goes on to say "Damn girl. You can EAT!" Now I'm self conscious and all I want to do is go home. Instead he asks to go to get coffee. So we go to Starbucks. While we're drinking coffee he starts to talk about his $6,000 dollar rolex and his 2 houses and his 2 cars....blah blah. THIS IS A HUGE TURN OFF FOR ME. ALWAYS HAS BEEN. Bragging is the most unattractive thing anyone could do in my presence. Seriously. Make note of that. Anyway, as I'm listening to him talk about himself, the power goes out on the entire block, Starbuck's included. I was like YES! The universe is on my side. So he took me home and that is where I stayed. I haven't talked to him in a week. The funny thing is I got a text from him today saying "I haven't heard from you. I'm assuming our date didn't go well". I have yet to respond.

Date No. 3

I met this guy at an Art Show. He asked me and my friend to accompany him and his friend to an after party. So we meet up with them. We start dancing, drinking, the usual. Then he tries to kiss me all sloppy style with his drunken self. He didn't even dance well and he didn't speak proper english. Every phrase he said was always followed by "mang". For example, he would say "You know what I'm sayin' man-g" or "You want a drink man-g", etc. It was so ghetto. So me and my friend left when they weren't looking.

Date No. 4

I met this guy at a show. I was on a spiritual tip at the time and apparently he was as well. We talked about life, spirituality, music, all that good stuff. At the end of the night we exchange numbers. We had a few good conversations on the phone and I could tell that he wanted more from me, but I wasn't into him like that. I thought that maybe we could just be friends, so I went out with him to another show. It was fun, but still no connection. He felt differently though. He wanted to get to know me more and he said he could see himself with me, etc. So I ignored him and didn't return his phone calls or texts or emails...NOTHING. The thing with me is that I don't waste my time with people. I know what I want and I don't usually settle for anything less. He came on too strong and almost borderlined 'NEEDY'. I hate that word. Seriously I would receive about 3 voicemails a day followed by multiple texts reminding me to check my voicemails which were all about 10 minutes long! Recently I received an email from him saying "You are a lost cause. Respect my decision as I respect yours. How can you tell someone the sky is blue when they think it's red". I'm still confused about this one.

Date No. 5

I met him at a reaggae club which happens to be my favorite club. I was there with my friend and he was there with his. I was dancing and he was watching. He told me I danced good and I said thanks and then I ignored him. Then he asked if he could dance with me. I said yes. We danced all night long while at the same time switching off from my friend to his friend. We all shared eachother that night. What I remember the most about him was a feeling. You know, that feeling you get when you have never seen someone in your entire life but you know you've known them before? Yah. That feeling. Him and his friend ended the night early but before he left, he gave me his business card. I held onto it for a month before I actually contacted him. The funny thing is that I never threw it away (which is weird cause I always throw cards, flyers, etc. away) and it miraculously never got lost in my purse full of shit that I am constanlty emptying and throwing shit out of. So I contact him in an email a month later saying "You probally don't remeber me, but I met you at the Dub Club and I just wanted to say hi". Cheesy, I know. He responds to me the next day saying "Of course I remember you. You were wearing a white tank top with your sweater tied around your waist". First of all, I can't believe I had my sweater tied around my waist. Second of all, I can't believe he remembered! How embarassing. So, we exchange numbers in an email and he calls later that night. We talk on the phone to 1:30 in the morning. The next night he takes me to a place called the Bar-A-Cade. It's a hole in the wall bar, very low key and hella chill. Totally my scene and I totally dug it. What really got me though was when he took me on the train from Long Beach to Crenshaw where we then got off and walked the entire Imperial Hwy. to the next train stop. It was crazy beautiful. We dated for about 2 months and let me tell you, it was an intense 2 months! Right now we are on our own individual paths, rediscovering and discovering a new journey into the unkown. Maybe we'll meet up again, maybe we won't. The point was that we were meant to meet. I thank him everyday for freeing me of my own constraints and showing me a path I've never seen before. I will always be greatful.

I won't continue on with the rest. I'm too tired. Anyway, what I have realized about dating is this: It's a pool full of people all searching for something or someone to fulfill an empty space within. It's very rare that we find someone that we connect with, someone that gets us and even more, someone that loves us. What's even more rare is when we become all those things for ourself. I've realized that I was searching for something or someone too. I had an empty space and I was so quick to try and replace my void with another person, another realtionship. What I have realized is that I am my own best friend, I am my greatest love, I am my perfect soulmate. What I was searching for all along was 'me'. Note to self: I will NEVER let you go again.

An Encounter

I consider most of my encounters with people and situations to be those of great meaning. Almost as if I was destined to be in that place, in that time with that person(s). Last night however, I felt the complete opposite. It was more along the lines of how the fuk did I get here and why the fuk am I here and who the fuk are these people.

Here's the story of last night:

It was my roomates 21st birthday and her, along with a couple of her friends decided to rent a house in the west side. It was a "House Party". I haven't been to a "House Party" in almost 8 years. I mean she is 21, so I undertood the excitement of such a concept. So I kept my mind opened and came to terms with what I could potentially be getting myself into. At 10PM I get my shit together and muster up the strength to get my tired ass up and ready to head out the door. My other roomate, her friend and I arrive around 10:30PM to this house. Upon entering, I am greeted at the front door step by a girl who couldn't be more than 90 pounds wearing a skimpy, white cotton dress that looked more like a dinner napkin, if you ask me. In her hand she was holding a red cup filled to the brim with what smelled like Vodka. I wanted to puke, but I didn't. I hug her and then go inside to what seemed to be the end of my existence! (I'm being dramatic, I know, but I can't help it) All I see is a group of guys standing behind the turn tables, red cup in hand, bobbing their heads to 50 Cent. Wangsta's, I think is the term best used to describe these guys. To the right of them is another group of guys and a few girls playing beer pong. Yes, BEER PONG!

At this point I start to go into my own world where I become completely oblivious to everything around me. I get like this when I'm scared, and I was freakin scared! Why you may ask. It's just a group of people, 50 cent and beer pong.....No. It wasn't like that! At least not for someone like me. I was out of my comfort zone, surrounded by people who I did not understand and did not want to understand. I mean, what could I possibly have in common with these people? Now I start to feel guilty for passing judgement on people that I have never even met and have not even given a chance to. Maybe I will have something in common with someone. It can't hurt to try, right?

So I say fuk it and I happily join a game of beer pong with the Wangsta's and some girl. Before I continue, may I just say that beer pong is the most unsanitary game EVER! You see, in beer pong you are given 2 pong balls that you have to throw into one of your opponents cups of beer that are on the pong table. There are 9 cups. If you make it in, that team has to chug that cup of beer and so on. Well, when you don't make the ball in, it bounces on the floor and is touched a million times by the hands that have to pick the ball up. So when the ball makes it into the beer cup, imagine all those lil germs swimming in that cup that you then have to chug!!! Ew!! Anyway, as I was saying, I partook in this game and got pretty freakin wasted with the Wangsta's! The weirdest part was when they started booty shaking to that song "Daisy Dukes" and another called "The Tootsie Roll". Imagine 2 thug looking guys booty shaking! Seriously. Funny shit. Needless to say, I lost the game but I was told that I was pretty good for a first timer. After this, I was drunk and didn't know what to do next. I was hoping to maybe connect with someone and have a life changing conversation. That didn't happen. So I went outside.

Outside I meet this guy, name unknown. He keeps telling me that I am a character and then he says it again and then he says it again! Finally I say "Ok. Thank you", in hopes that my exchange of words would be enough for him to shut the fuk up! Instead, he starts asking me if I like Dave Chapelle. I say "Yes, of course" and then he starts immitating Charlie Murphy, not just in voice, but in actions. This fool straight up starts acting out the entire scene where Charlie Murphy is kicking his feet on Rick Jame's couch, except this guy is kicking his feet on the the patio furniture. And while he's play acting, he's screaming at the top of his lungs "I'm Rick James Bitch!! I'm Rick James! Yes. I'm Rick James". I was sooo confused and completely annoyed cause I didn't think he was funny at all. And it didn't stop there either. He then goes on to immitate a "black person" (his words). He says to me "Want me to impersonate a black person? It's so funny. Trust me, you'll die laughing". For amusement purposes only I respond with "Ok. If you want to." Although I was completely annoyed, I kept saying yes only because I felt that he amused himself and I didn't want to take that away from him. The busier he was, the less involvement on my part. I could just zone out for all he cared as long as I gave him permission to do his thing. All I remember of the "black person" immitation was that he had an Indian accent and he kept referring to 7 11. It was so weird!!

Completely irritated, I start asking around for a cigarette. I'm trying to quit, but desperate times call for deperate measures. I meet a guy named Villanera (at least that's what he says his name is). He gives me a cigarette and takes the seat of the Rick James guy who was busy acting. So this Villanera guy sits next to me and asks me how old I am. I say 28 and he says he's 31. Then we begin talking about how the music suks and where has good music gone, etc. I don't really remember a lot of the conversation except for one part. I remember him saying "People are born with logic. There's no such thing as not knowing what's right and wrong. God instilled love in your heart and that cannot be unlearned. It can only be ignored."

So maybe, just maybe, when you are completely fed up with everyone and have given up all hope in your search for that someone who understands, that is when someone will come along with a cigarette.

Idealism

So today I had a rather insightful conversation with one of my greatest friends in the whole wide world=) You know who you are. Anyway, you know how they say that friends are reflections of who you are? Well this came to full light today as I was discussing with my dear friend anxieties that I have been feeling lately in regards to fears, love, relationships, etc. You know, the usual Adriane dramatics. During this conversation, my friend (like most of them) became exasperated at my constant babbling over repetitive situations that I find myself in. In complete annoyance of probally my voice and constant whining, she blurts out "Dre. You're such an idealist! God! You have to learn to compromise and to let people be who they are. You jump to conclusions about people and their situations so quickly. You blueprint your opinions and once that's done, you can't turn back. Instead of making judgements so quickly about people, wait on it a few days and you'll see that there's much more to it than you think".

Needless to say, I was a little thrown back by her assesment of me. In my head it was like this.."Ummm...Who the fuk do you think you are talkin to me like this...pssshhhh...Whateva!" Surprisingly, that statement stayed safe and sound in my head. Instead, I thought about what she had just said, and then I thought a little more and then it dawned on me! I am an idealist! I know...it's just a label, but for label's sake I am a freakin IDEALIST! I don't know why this is news to me, but it is.

I realized that I am searching for the unattainable. A perfect place, in a perfect time with the perfect one. Because of my idealistic tendencies, I usually end up in situations where I try to change the other person as a means of creating my ideal. God forbid my partners imperfect and even worse, I'm imperfect! I have this incessant need to make things better, make people happier, make the world greater, etc. In all honesty, these are my intentions. However, I have realized that in my search for perfection, I've forgotten how beautiful imperfection can be. Like when you have no make-up on and you're in sweats in Rite Aid and you get hit on by some hot guy who says your gorgeous. Or when you hurt someone else's feelings by being inconsiderate, but they forgive you anyway because they love you. Or when you're on a date and you trip and fall over air, but the guy looks at you and smiles (he better fkin help you up though). All of this is what I've forgotten about. The beauty in the simplest, imperfect things.

The people in my life have given me so many chances to get it right. God has given me so many days to get it right. Each passing moment has blessed me with the wisdom to get it right. Ironically, I will never get it right. But the people in my life, God and each passing moment will love me anyway.

-A navajo blanket traditionally contains an imperfection-

FEARS: CARPE DIEM

Fears are illusions trapped in the denials of our truth. They thrive on the misguided, the misused and the ignorant. They live in the cold, multiply in the heat, consume the consumed and regurgitate what remains.

What remains is a body, a vessel for the wandering soul. A story only emptiness can narrate. A sound only the deaf can hear. A numb so debilitating, only the painful can feel.

The cure is liberation. A senseless journey to an unkown time, to an unknown place. A place that co-exists within your truths. A place where there are no boundaries, no limits and no destination. A place where there is just a journey. A journey to your truths untold.

Carpe Diem- Seize The Day

What Is My Purpose?

My first attempt in understanding the purpose in my life was during an analysis of the following thoughts of a lyricist known as Aceyalone. I found my purpose through his words. I hope you find yours. Enjoy:

The Balance

The second somebody dies somebody else is born
People are celebrating while other people mourn
Home may be home to you but to me it's foreign
Even the matador don't pull the bull by the horns
One man's enemy is another man's friend
One man's poison is another man's medicine
So let us stand, let us sit and let us view
The changing of the guard oh it's so hard to keep it true
It's the balance of the scales it can't be challenged or expelled
Soon as somebody lost somebody else prevails
Some someone is quiet at the same time someone yells
Half full or half empty water in the well
It's the Half and Half Hypothesis the 50/50 theory
Eerie as it may seem check your balance beam

Now check your Balance Beamer with a feather and a rock
Whether or not you find the answer is really not the plot
See it's like Love and Hate
The same emotion different weight
People Love to Hate so I know you know just how this all relates
It's the posa and the nega tive
Mini and mega live
Arm a leg a leg an arm headed by a nigga
Like big and small
Short and tall
Night and day and so on
Some people are bashfull
Some people just love to get their flow on
So here goes one to grow on
I'm a go on and on and on till the principles are laid out
The scales of justice weighed out
Till your memory starts to fade out and your game of life is played out
Got to balance out the power don't we?
Balance your emotions
Push and pull positions like the moon pulls on the ocean
Balance on one foot that's equilibrium
Opposites attract and retract that's a fact
I'm a Libra y'all!
180 degrees but not that hot
So whether or not you find the answer is really not the plot
Because giving is recieving and seeing is believing
And the solar system rotates so harmonious and even
It's perfectly balanced

Some people say life is about taking chances choices and decisions
Voices and opinions, politics and religion
Clues to the past and cash and keys to the future
It's a possibility and probability on who's gonna execute you
Some slow and analytical
Some quick fast on the dash
Like heads or tails but the head usually leads the tail
So I tell my tales from the head
Cause they're embedded inside my cells
Real quick let me tell you about a fact I know things will even out
You can disbelieve or doubt or even shout or leave it in your mouth
Cause how you gonna reason with grand Mother Nature
Running mother Earth controlled by Father Time who's the chaser
It's living and dying homey
Laughing and crying dude
Trying or lying my brother
Walking or flying fool
Now half of you are gonna find the time to shine
The other half gonna find crime, money weed wine
Till it's to late in a disillusioned state of mind
I just found my peace of mind
Now they want a piece of mine
Too late in a disillusioned state of mind
The orthodox is the unorthodox they just got you on the names
The insane and the sane are the same
It's a damn shame so many people's aim is so lame
And their gain is so minimal
Caught up in the subliminal
It's pleasure and pain, water for the flames, the wild and the tame
The style still remains if you use the right side of your brain
Instead of going against the grain
You can penetrate the vein to the point where what remains is a stain
Of this universal thing
That we call Balance

-Aceyalone-

So you may ask, what is this purpose you discovered? It's simple. It was in the question.

Anger

Why are so many people angry? What is anger? Where
does it come from? How do you overcome it? And more
importantly, why am I angry???

I have spent countless hours, days, and years in an
attempt to overcome its existence in my life. I’ve had
the pity party where I “try” to cry over situations
that were painful in hopes that my tears will be the
catalyst to such an effect. I am left with nothing
short of a dry spell with even more pent up anger for
being unable to attain what seems to be such a
“normal” reaction for most people. I’ve joined
numerous physical activities such as kick boxing,
yoga, pilates, aerobics, spin class and even Taebo,
all in hopes that while I’m kicking punch bags, the
bags will somehow replace the faces of my ex’s. Or
while I’m meditating to some unknown god, that these
internalized emotions that have plagued me for so long
will be healed through the sound of ‘ooooooooommm’. I
don’t know what I was thinking!

What I have realized about anger is as simple as this.
It’s a word to describe a feeling. It’s not a disease,
it’s not a plague and it’s not a part of who I am.
It’s a label. Everything in our lives and in this
world is based on some made up bullshit like ‘OCD’ or
‘BI POLAR’ or ‘LOUIS VUTTON’. It’s all a label! A
label inserted between your life and mine. Some of us,
myself included, rely on these labels as a
means of identity, validation and even self worth. It
helps clear up the grey areas of life where there is
no answer, no cause and no effect. These labels define
and suggest reason to every single feeling you’ve
ever felt in your entire life! Finally, you are not alone.
You are now a statistic stuck in a category with thousands
of others who suffer from the same "problems" as you do. Safe and
sound in the arms of Prozac, Ritolin, Valium, Wellbutrin, Aderol....etc.
Like the bottles say "FOR TEMPORARY RELIEF ONLY". Don't be NUMB to it.
It won't be too long before you catch up with yourself again. So take
the time to cry, to hurt, to scream, to be angry. To feel anything is a
miracle in itslef.

What I am really trying to say is that I am ME. No
‘label’ will ever plague me again or force me to feel
controlled by its definition. It’s a word to describe
a feeling. I am a word, a definition, a judgment, an
emotion. I am a label, an answer and a solution. In this moment, I am
angry.